I know I should stay out of the internet vaccine debate. All logic would dictate so. But the more I read, the more I realize that my unique viewpoint has not been voiced. And rather than silence my inner protective mama bear, I will let her out on the printed page for my own solace.
In recent days, I have heard several variations of the statement, "There are worse things than being autistic. I'd rather an autistic child than a dead one." On the surface, yes. I wholeheartedly agree. Like everyone else, I would prefer living children.
According to the CDC website (cdc.gov), 121 people in the United States have contracted measles between January 1 and February 6 this year. The current population of the US stands at 316.1 million people. So anyone living in the US stands a 0.000038% chance of contracting measles. Measles kills an average of 1 of every 1000 people who contracts it, so the chance of dying from measles is even lower. However, I realize that no risk is zero, and any child dying of a preventable disease is truly horrific.
On the other hand, the autism rate in the United States is 1 in 88. For boys, it is 1 in 54. My son, as I have written before, is one of those children. He is also in the process of being diagnosed bipolar. When making statements like the one above, I believe that most parents look at autistic individuals who lead happy, fulfilling lives. People with autism who may have completely different life goals than neuro-typical people, but who function in a fashion that makes them happy.
Let me tell you about my sweet Sam.
Sam is ten years old, and he is scared. He is scared all the time - of himself, that he will hurt himself, and that he will hurt other people. His fears are not unfounded. In the past two months, he has injured himself during a psychotic episode (sustaining bruises from banging himself against walls and furniture), and has injured me (he bit me, dislocated my nose, gave me a black eye, and I was covered in bruises). He has also punched his younger siblings and attempted to do more, but I have intervened. Once these episodes end, he is apologetic and doesn't remember details, or why he lost control.
I am in the middle of the hardest process of my life - losing Sam into his own brain. Even with powerful, somewhat frightening antipsychotic medication, he is losing memories and parts of his personality. The child who used to love Legos, barely remembers how to play with them now.
I appreciate the medication, truly. He now knows my name and recognizes me again. But he is regressing, slowly and surely. Also, any individual antipsychotic medication usually only lasts 18 to 24 months before it stops working. So we have bought time with Sam being somewhat lucid, but we are in the process of a long goodbye.
For this reason, I understand vaccine fears. I will not surmise that a vaccine caused or contributed to his autism. But since he does have what the CDC calls "an unstable progressive neurologic problem," any further vaccination is contraindicated. The CDC also advises caution in vaccinating blood siblings of individuals suffering from progressive neurological problems. For this reason, I am vaccinating my other children, but on a schedule that their pediatrician has recommended for each child.
I would rather have a child who is alive than dead, but I would not wish this type of mental illness on anyone. Saying goodbye to a child who is loved and adored is painful, and even more painful when their body still works wonderfully, but they fear their own brain.
I know Sam's case is rare. I understand that herd immunity matters. But I wanted to take a moment to share the reason that I take issue with blanket vaccination recommendations. I do not think that my children are somehow unique, but I view it as my responsibility as their mother to protect them, and this includes sometimes doing things differently than is normal.
