. Here is the update.
This year, I will work toward:
1. Loving my kids well.
If I have succeeded in nothing else, I am doing this. My entire outlook on mothering has changed. I treasure my time with my children, and they constantly ask to spend more time with me. I love it. I spoke with each of them separately as they fell asleep last night, and each affirmed what I have known in my heart for awhile now - they feel loved and safe.
As for the honest side:
This is hard. I often wonder if parenting his this difficult, exhausting, and intense for everyone. Does this somehow mean I'm doing it wrong? Or that I'm not cut out for it? Or that I'm somehow inadequate?
In reading books by Brene' Brown, Glennon Melton, and similar, I am coming to realize that maybe I am feeling parenthood as an intense experience because it is. I am giving everything I have and more, and it leaves me absolutely empty and drained at the end of the day, sometimes even crying at the sheer exhaustion. Then I go to sleep, wake up, and do the same the next day. In this way - in this beautiful, brutal calling to empty myself daily, I am doing exactly what is meant for me in this stage of life. Maybe this is difficult because I'm all in, trying to keep treading in the deep end, while the water rages.
2. Developing a plan for Sam.
If effort counted for anything, I would be lightyears ahead of where I am now.
I interviewed the director of the perfect school for him. But it requires that he have ABA set up. Sam's dad changed jobs on May 1, which changed his insurance to one that specifically excludes ABA. So.....back to square one, and in the last week of the school year. This is causing quite a bit of stress, and feelings of inadequacy. It's difficult to count on someone else to look out for my boy's best interests, when it seems to me that's clearly not his first priority.
3. Enjoying singleness
I have made great strides in this area. I still find myself deeply lonely at times, but this no longer means I look for short term relationships. I am learning to enjoy time to myself. It's a small, but dramatic change. I still have considerable work to do in this area, because I don't know that I'm anywhere close to ready to date.
4. Finding a job that suits my talents better (with insurance)
Hmmm. Can't say I've done this. But I'm moving to something better. A week ago, I signed up for real estate courses, and am progressing through them well. If all goes as planned, I should be able to take the licensing exam by the end of June. It won't provide great insurance, but it is a flexible job that will utilize my talents.
5. Better balancing work and parenting
I am happy to report that this one is being done. One day a week, Alexander visits "kid sitter" while I work. Otherwise, I've been working while the kids are gone. My workload is much lighter, so I am enjoying free time while kids aren't with me, too.
6. Blogging consistently and honestly
Um, oops! I've been thinking of blog posts, but they haven't come to fruition. There have been massive changes with Sam, mostly good, and I haven't really updated them. He is also back to very intermittent sleeping, which has made doing anything else. . . trying.
7. Publishing 2 patterns on Etsy
Haven't done this at all. Not even the first step. But I'm sewing again, which is making me happy. And I have patterns in my brain. So it's possible by December.
8. Making a five year plan
I do have a five year plan. I need to write it out. It involves real estate, learning house repair and millwork, and paying off debt.
9. Making my house a home
I am doing this! I'm proud to say my house, for the first time in 10+ years, feels like home to me. We live here. It is a place we are happy and safe. It is not just a place for our stuff.
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